Relationships: Why Do Some Women Alternate Between ‘Bad Boys’ And ‘Nice Guys’?

While there are plenty of women who are only drawn to men who are kind and respectful, for instance, there are also plenty of women who aren’t. As a result of this, their relationships with men are going to be radically different.

The Norm

Still, when it comes to what a woman’s relationship is like or what her relationships have been like in the past, this is likely to be what is normal. If, a woman is with a healthy man or has been with healthy men in the past, this is not going to be a problem.

However, if this is not the case, a woman is ether going to be in a relationship that is causing her a lot of pain or she will have been in a number of relationships that have, and this is then going to a problem. This woman could believe that this is just how life is and that there is absolutely nothing that she can do.

A Rough Ride

So, if she is single, she could look back on the men she has been with and this could be a time when she remembers things that she would rather forget. Her body could fill up with emotional pain and she could have all kinds of negative thoughts.

Now, this could be a time when she will wonder why this keeps happening, or she could just believe that she is a victim. If she sees herself as a victim, she may believe that the only way her life will change is if she meets a man who is different.

A Battle

On the other hand, if she is currently with a man who is abusive, she probably won’t need to look too far back to think of a moment when she felt violated. This could be something that happens whenever she is with him.

And while she may do everything that she can to please him, it might not have much of an effect. Ultimately, this is someone who is not going to build her up; he is going to tear her down at every opportunity he gets.

Completely Undermined

It is then going to be in her best interest to walk away, but she might not have the strength to do so. And, even if she does walk away, it doesn’t mean that the won’t end up in the same position shortly after.

There is, of course, the chance that she could end up with a guy who is totally different. But in order for her make sure that this happens, it might be necessary for her to look into why she ended up with a guy like this, as well as the other men she has been with who were like this (that’s if she has been with other men like this), and to seek external support.

A Short-Term Solution

Let’s say that she does manage to leave an abusive relationship but she doesn’t look into what is going on, she could end up with someone very similar. Then again, she could end up with someone who is extremely different.

What this could mean is that she might end up with a ‘nice guy’, which means that he is unlikely to treat her badly. In fact, he could treat her better than she has even been treated before.

One Extreme to the Other

In the beginning, she could appreciate this kind of behaviour and this could cause her to treat him with respect. She could feel relieved that she has met someone like this, while he could be relieved that he has finally found someone to be with.

This might not last, though, as she could soon start to get bored and to crave more excitement, and this will cause her to change her behaviour. When this takes place, she could start to treat him badly and he could find it hard to understand how she could be so different to how she was before.

Conflict

What this can show is that being with a guy who treats her in this manner doesn’t feel right; it would have repelled her. At first, it would have had a positive effect, but that is only because she needed an escape.

Deep down, she is going to need to be with a man who treats her badly, makes her feel uncomfortable, and allows her to experience drama and excitement. Due to this, after she has been with a guy like this for a little while, she can feel the need to be with a man who is abusive.

Two Options

She is then going to be with an abusive man and see herself as a victim, or she will be with a ‘nice guy’ who she victimises. If she was to treat a nice guy badly, she could feel guilty but this doesn’t mean that she will be able to change her behaviour.

Yet, as ‘nice guys’ rarely value themselves, a guy like this can put up with her bad behaviour. Instead of setting boundaries or even walking away after being treated badly, they can stay around, thereby causing the woman to lose even more respect for them.

A Closer Look

This kind of behaviour can be incredibly confusing; nevertheless, what took place during her younger years is likely to have played a big part. When she was growing up, she may have had a father who was abusive.

Her connection or her attachment to him would then have been based on trauma, as opposed to love. How she was treated by him would then have become familiar and, therefore, what is safe.

An Emotional Rollercoaster

This would have been a time when she experienced fear, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, shame, loss, and even terror. These feelings would then have come to be associated as love, which is why she will need to experience these feelings to feel attracted to a man.

A ‘nice guy’ or a healthy man is not going to trigger these feelings in her; these kinds of men are going to be too ‘boring’ for her. She is used to living on the edge in life, so peace and quiet is the last thing that she wants.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this, and she wants to change her life, it might be a good idea for her to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

Not only will there be the beliefs that she will need to change; there will also be the trauma that she is carrying. This is a process and not something that will happen overnight.

Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand six hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.